Reflection: Alexithymia

Hey guys, so I’ve neglected this blog quite a bit… Well alot really and I’ve thought of every excuse or reason as to why I have but I don’t really have one. The thing is I have loads of posts waiting in my drafts, some of which I started writing last year but I never seem to be able to get what I’m trying to say on paper. I want to finally write about my breakdown but my story has so many blank moments and it’s all still a little jumbled and I feel as though it doesn’t make sense without every detail but then it’s just too long. But I think the main issue is that I’m frightened, frightened of facing up to the things that I’ve gone through, reliving those moments and how people will react to it. Now I know I shouldn’t care what others think but this is a big chunk of me and people always tend to look at you different when you’ve been open about your experiences with mental health. All of this lead me to think what is the route of the problem? Why can’t I just tell a story? Or how I’m feeling? And that was it, there’s a disconnect. The tubes connected from my brain to my mouth don’t exist, they never have. I’ve sifted through years and years of memories and I can’t remember ever being able to say how I truly feel. It bought me to my 3 years of counselling, I guess at 17 no teenager wants to discuss their emotions to a strange lady in a poorly lit, dusty, boxed size office but throughout those years not only did I become a master at pretending everything was OK but I don’t recall ever having a moment where I discussed how anything made me feel. I just stated events, like how I was no longer with my emotionally abusive ex or that I had a new job just general chit chat. My last counsellor was extremely supportive, don’t get me wrong but I feel as though I’ve gained nothing but with all of this I’ve gained something? I don’t know if that makes sense but stay with me… 

I feel like the penny has finally dropped, I know what I need to do to move forward and accept things. I can’t keep going on day to day bottling up my emotions or pretending they don’t exist because I find it difficult to verbalise them. Yesterday was a shit day and a friend reached out to me but instead of trying to piece together my jumbled up thoughts and emotion I just ended the conversation because it was just all too much and here I am today not feeling any better about it. But there is a positive in all this and that’s this post, I know it’s probably a jumbled up mess and has a lot of grammatical errors and doesn’t make much sense but I feel like I’m one step closer to being truly in touch with myself. 

Zemzem 

Exciting new things! 

Hey guys, hope you are all well! I’ve recently started a YouTube channel where I’ll be sharing makeup tips, discuss and raise awareness on mental health and other random things too! I’d really appreciate it if you would have a look and subscribe to my channel! 

Lots of love 

Zem x

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCSHgrCvJO67g7UEsovphHhQ

Changing the way we speak about Mental health

“In the UK 1 in 5 people suffer from a mental health problem at any one time”

“Co pilot had a mental health issue”

“Robin William’s has committed suicide” 

All these statements are heard so regularly that they usually just go over our heads, however so many of us do not realise how problematic they can be. Firstly, when we do hear about mental health in the media its typically after a tragic event, which gives off the notion that those who suffer from these conditions are violent and capable of committing heinous crime’s when in reality this is only true for a small minority of sufferers.  Also, the media is a primary source of information for many people so for those who know little about mental health will most likely form their opinions based on those articles so right off the bat most people who don’t have any knowledge on mental health will subconsciously form their opinions based on those articles.

Also the language paired with these headlines is mostly always negative and it’s not only in the media that words like ‘problem, issue and commit’ are readily used when talking about mental health. Charities and everyday people have become accustomed to using these words without realising the implications they have. A mental health condition/illness is not a problem nor an issue, these words attach a negative connotation to these conditions/illnesses and also removes the importance of how severe they can be. Mental illnesses should be treated with the same respect as physical illnesses, and should be recognised as an illness rather than barley being acknowledged.

However the term that infuriates me the most is the ‘committing suicide’. How does one commit to suicide? It’s the most ridiculous oxymoron I’ve heard, someone who is suicidal usually cannot commit to anything, they can be irrational, unable to eat, sleep, bath yet they are able to commit to an act that will have a massive impact on many lives? If it is anything that they are committed to is ending the pain that they have endured and yes it may not be the ‘right’ way to deal with it however in a society where the stigma attached to mental health is sky high getting help isn’t always easy, not to mention that many are denied access to basic services and the waiting time for counselling can be up to 3 months.

I truly believe that once we change the langue we use to describe mental health it’ll become easier for others to speak out and believe “It’s ok not to be ok”, and hopefully also lessen the stigma attached.

Mummy’s girl

Just thinking about Mother’s Day made me incredibly emotional this morning which is pretty unusual for me. I love my mum, we clash a lot but I couldn’t ask for a better mother. Motherhood is the hardest job in the world and there are no books or classes that can prepare you for it. My ma has been the foundation of my family and has raised 7 children through testing times and without her I honestly wouldn’t of gotten through the last 5 years. 

I can’t imagine how hard it was on my parents when I became unwell especially for my mum because she just had given birth to my brother. Through all the difficulties,  she supported me even when I’d push her away. 
For some reason I thought of her no longer being here and it just made me realise how much I owe it to her to not only be a good daughter but to get my shit together so she can look at me and say “Yassss that’s my daughter, that’s my daughter”.

 All jokes aside, it did take a day like Mother’s Day to make me realise how lucky and blessed I am to have an amazing mother. It also made me realise that I should try and appreciate even the smallest things in life, this may be a difficult task as I am a a self confessed pessimist but we all start somewhere right?